DON’T MISS THIS MOVIE!!

Having recently seen a movie billed as “THE MOVIE EVENT OF THE YEAR!” and “A SURE FIRE OSCAR WINNER,” I wondered if somehow I might have stepped into the wrong theater at my local Cineplex.

 

The movie was good and it helped pass a few hours, but in no way do I think it justified the “CAPITALIZED EXCLAMATION!” of greatness that the ad promised.

 

Of course, “BOLDED SUPERLATIVE OVERKILL” has become such a common marketing tool that we, as consumers, automatically discount the quality of a movie unless it has “AT LEAST ONE HYPERPOLE!!”  Hollywood knows this and creates full-page ads in newspapers like the New York Times with feel-good blurbs about their movies…

 

“THIS MOVIE HAS TO BE GOOD… DO YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THE FONT WE’RE USING?!”

 

Are the movies that good, or, perish the thought, are the reviewers getting paid to sell tickets?  Perhaps you are like me and, after seeing some movie that was billed as “THE MUST SEE MOVIE OF THE YEAR,” you might be wondering if you and the reviewer saw the same movie.

 

Not to be completely cynical, but since movie tickets cost so much these days, I would like to read the entire text of the movie review before making my decision. Perhaps the reviews would more likely resemble the following:

 

  • “Some of my colleagues are calling this ONE OF THE TOP TEN MOVIES OF THE YEAR… frankly, I find this totally UNBELIEVABLE, even ASTOUNDING!  If you ask me, I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT THE ENTIRE MOVIE trying to decide if I should go to a different movie, one that I TOTALLY ENJOYEDany movie but this movie.”

 

  • “One of the ushers at this movie was selling popcorn in the aisle when his cart hit a sticky spot on the floor and overturned, spilling several boxes of popcorn all over this lady in the front row, who in turn spit out a mouth full of Goobers on her husband. I HONESTLY DON’T THINK I’VE LAUGHED SO HARD IN YEARS!”

 

  • “THIS MOVIE WILL LEAVE YOU IN TEARS… especially after you’ve realized you spent so much of your hard earned money on such a crappy film.”

 

  • “If you are the kind of person who likes to listen to fingernails scratching a blackboard, you will probably consider this movie FUN FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY.”

 

  • “THIS HAS TO BE THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA… among psychos, heavily drugged manic depressives, and serial killers.”

 

  • “THE DIRECTOR HAS OUTDONE HIMSELF ONCE AGAIN… making a movie that is so pedestrian, so unfunny, and so unappealing. I am amazed that he continues to get work.”

 

  • “If you are an adult with the maturity of a 9-year old, you will consider this movie A STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT. And, if you are someone who likes to watch paint dry, you will consider this A VISUAL MASTERPIECE.”

 

  • “DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.  SEE THIS MOVIE… so you can truly understand what it was like to be tortured during the Middle Ages.”

 

One thought on “DON’T MISS THIS MOVIE!!

  1. I love your writing Jim. I truly enjoyed this post the most; it was very funny and probably all too accurate. Keep this going.

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